The grass is green and the mower is just waiting to be fired up. The grass on the golf course also is green and the golf cart is ready to roll.
Meanwhile, the water on the river is sparkling, the outboard is fuelled, the minnow bucket filled, and that whole assortment of new tackle lovingly selected over several visits to Bass Pro over the winter is just begging to be tested.
That’s when it happens.
With one hand on her hip holding a magazine—“1,000 Interior Design Ideas”—and a finger of the other hand poised pensively on her chin, your spouse wanders into the kitchen, where you are dutifully preparing her favourite gourmet meal, and states, “I’ve been thinking. . . .”
Words that will strike terror into the heart of the most stoic do-it-yourselfer.
“I was just thinking of painting those cupboard doors, but maybe we could make a couple of extra units for by the fridge, and new drywall on that one chunk.
“And well, that patio slider door is the pits. A new set of French Garden doors would be much nicer.”
She pauses for a breath and fishes out a pen to start the list.
“A new kitchen sink would be great and what the heck, let’s get a granite countertop.
“Might as well re-plumb the kitchen and the laundry room while we’re at it,” she adds.
You stoically swallow maintaining your silence. After all, if a man speaks in the kitchen (and whether his wife hears him or not), he’ll still be wrong.
“We might as well rip out all the rest of the drywall, re-insulate, and rewire while we’re at it. Material isn’t that expensive.”
You notice your heart rate and blood pressure rising. Your acid reflux starts acting up.
“What kind of flooring should we get? Ceramic would nice, right?
“Of course, I’ve heard it’s heavy so you might have to put in some extra floor joists, a support beam, and a new sub floor, do you think?”
Those questions are, of course, totally rhetorical.
“Oh heck, we might just as well redo the whole thing. Get it over and done with,” she reasons.
“Besides, you promised me anything for Mother’s Day and you are soooo handy.”
Sounds like it’s too late to retreat to the man cave!
“I’ll phone the building centre and they can deliver the supplies Monday,” she continues. “There will be lots of room in the garage as I’ll be leaving for my vacation in Calgary on Sunday afternoon.
“I’ll be completely out of your hair so you should have it pretty well wrapped up by the time I get back, right?
“I’ll order the new appliances online while I’m away.”
You start to sputter a protest, but are silenced before you can utter anything coherent.
“No! No! It’s the least I can do while you’re ripping and tearing and sucking in all that drywall dust,” she smiles.
“Share and share alike, right?”
The wise man will, of course, answer, “Yes dear.”