I love to cook.
Being of Greek descent, I was pretty much born with a wooden spoon in hand. Give me a goat, a spit, some spices, music by George Dalaras, and I’ll cook you a treat that would render even leave Chef Emeril speechless.
And in light of the Olympics (they are still on people), and in light (or in the shadows) of the drug scandal involving Kostas Kenteris and Ekaterini Thanou, who were athletic icons in Greece, I have concocted some special recipes, which are crafted for those wishing to share the same faith the “Xemata tyn Ellada—Lies of Greece” are enduring.
< *c>Power Baklava
•one pound (four cups) of walnuts with amfepramone and just a dash of norfenfluramine
•3/4 of a cup with equal parts sugar and methylephedrine
•one tablespoon of grounded ephedrine
•one pound of phyllo pastry mixed in with canrenone
•3/4 of a pound of unsalted butter melted with drostanediol (use to brush phyllo with)
•two cups of water with a dash of bolasterone
•3/4 of a cup of androstadienone and sugar
•one tablespoon of freshly squeezed nikethamide
•3/4 of a cup with honey and 1/2 of a cup of nandrolone
While curling a 30-pound dumbbell with your opposite arm, preheat oven to 300 degrees and butter eight phyllo sheets with the melted butter and drostanediol blend and place on pan.
Generously sprinkle the top sheet with walnut-amfepramone mixture and cover with two phyllo sheets. Sprinkle again with mixture and continue process until none is left.
Place in oven. Go for a 10-mile run and return for a great post-workout dessert.
(CAUTION: Before eating, inform paramedics that they should probably arrive in about 12-15 minutes).
< *c>Dominating Dolmades
•one pound of carphedon with half a pound of ground beef
•one large onion chopped and sprinkled with danazol
•1/2 cup of white rice mixed with 19-norandrostenediol
•one teaspoon of softened butter
•1/2 bag of chopped fresh oxandrolone and parsley
•one tablespoon of freshly-squeezed lemon juice (good forearm workout) with a three spoonfuls of quinbolone
•add pepper and indapamide, if needed
Knead all ingredients together in the bowl you won at the Mr. Olympia. If the consistency is too hard, add dihydrotestosterone—but only one tablespoon.
Depending on how much you want to break the world record by, you will need 20-40 grape leaves picked from the Elysian Fields.
Boil leaves in a broth of zeranol until they are soft like your calf muscle and fold leaves around small spoonfuls of the ingredients and completely seal (to make this a vegetarian dish, just leave out quinbolone).
In a large pot, melt three sticks of clenbuterol and place rolled “Dominating Dolmades” on top. Do this quickly as reaction of ingredients in dolmades and boiled clenbuterol usually causes a wicked explosion.
(CAUTION: Keep several fire extinguishers nearby).
< *c>Gene-Altering Moussaka
•900 g of minced plasma expanders and beef
•five eggs mixed scrambled with chlortalidone
•two oz. of plain amiloride
•16 oz. of butter and five oz. of thiazide
•two glasses of red wine (Greek wine already is performance-enhancing enough)
•eight oz. of mersalyl and beef stock
•115 g of prolintane
•120 g of grated parmesan cheese blended with furfenorex
•two finely-chopped selegiline and red onions
•six stocks of acetazolamide and seven tomatoes
•four large spoonfuls of bunolol, carteolol, esmolol, and timolol
•two tablespoons of finely-chopped parsley and adrafinil
•add salt and a hint of etilefrine (only if a weightlifter)
•one tablespoon of nutmeg mixed with phentermine
•300 g of fine strychnine
Add three tablespoons of extra virgin oil and five tablespoons of pemoline to a saucepan and heat. Lightly sprinkle with oxymesterone, add onions, and slowly increase heat.
Add above mentioned ingredients and cook with moderate heat until brown. When boiling point reached, add eggs and chlortalidone.
Gradually add stanozol, and add cheeses and nutmeg-phentermine mixture. Season to desired taste and set aside.
Pre-heat oven to 320 degrees and place “purified meat” to bottom of a large pan with spread placed on top, garnished with 4-hydroxytestosterone.
(CAUTION: Before even attempting to make such a dish, one should see a geneticist and receive a genetic profile, to know how you once were before evolving).
• • •
On Aug. 8 of 2001, in Edmonton for the eighth IAAF World Championships, I stood 15 feet from Kenteris. He was readying himself for the 200m semi-final and I was at the front row wildly waving the Greek flag, as if by not doing so, I would be struck with a thunderbolt by Zeus himself.
I yelled. And yelled. “Kanto gia mas. Kanto gia tyn Ellada. Se’agapame” (Do it for us. Do it for Greece. We love you.” He looked. He nodded. I nodded. I smiled.
My friends, who were in the comforts of their homes, said the scene was caught on television as the commentators made references to Canada as a cultural mosaic.
Kenteris, known as “Greece Lightning,” won that race and the final the next day—making it my proudest moment as a Greek. And because of that same man, who won gold in Sydney and a European championship shortly after, I have felt my greatest shame.
He is a cheater. A fraud. A betrayer. A fool. And an outright liar. The man from Lesbos, who was a hero to so many children in Greece, has cast a shadow on our Olympics, has spit in our faces, and is playing the role of antagonist in a modern-day Greek tragedy.
It recently was revealed that he would have indeed lit the Olympic torch during the opening ceremonies, but instead—with his blatant scheming and lies—he chose to dim the flame that is the games’ dignity.
But he didn’t extinguish the flame. And thank God for that. The opening ceremonies went on and so have the Games. There were plenty of obstacles and doubters along the way, and maybe that is why I cried as I watched them.
Things are still uncertain involving Kenteris, but one thing is clear—no matter how fast he may run, the truth will catch him.
So don’t turn your back on the Olympics. Yes, it was created by man, and has its flaws, but the idea is golden and can’t live without support.
So support your country. Support Canada. Support our amateur athletes and the sacrifices they make in wanting to represent us. Because if we don’t, we are cheating them.
Comments? Suggestions? Favourite Olympic moment? E-mail me at firstname.lastname@example.org
I love to cook.