Town could be gettting into ‘snow biz’

Staff

Fort Frances “Boundless” branding may grow to new heights if a regional marketing company, SnOwJoB Incorporated, is granted a say in our future.
The advice, though unsolicited at this point, would see Fort Frances become the “Snow Capital of Canada” with a science-based plan of action increasing by close to four times our yearly snowfall.
The concept, according to SnOwJoB, is simple. Using existing scientific formulas, between 250 and 300 local homeowners would have brand new “snow” furnaces installed.
These turbo-charged units would heat homes with a very specific formula of natural gas and liquified biomass that when combined and propelled into the atmosphere in large quantities, is harmless but produces a very significant snow effect.
Mathematical formulas note that this plan could take our annual average snowfall of 59.67 inches up over 188 inches making Fort Frances the Snow Capital of Canada.
Using GPS technology, homeowners throughout Fort Frances would be selected based on a specific geographic pattern. That means every block on every street and avenue in town would have one to two homes selected for the new furnace install. To enable the system to work properly, 50-foot chimney extensions complete with a NASA sanctioned propelling device would also be installed at each home selected.
Due to this extremely powerful chimney thrust, which would be detrimental to human hearing and birds in the vicinity, a special warning signal device will be added to each chimney. The signal will provide three, short, high-level blasts every 30 minutes, so those outside would have to watch the clock and use proper hearing protection.
The estimated furnace cost and new gas line installation to each selected homeowner would be in the $15,000 range–just under four million dollars in total new furnace expenses.
However, the town would be asked to provide a $1,000 tax credit to each selected homeowner to help defray the expense.
The marketing company suggested that the prestige alone would be worth the extra investment to each homeowner, and that a special snowfall created for each July 1 and August long weekend would likely be a thrilling sight for most, if not all, local citizens.
While SnOwJob has no firm marketing plans in place to capitalize on the additional snow, their research team does suggest up to 12 new snow-clearing positions would be created at Public Works thereby providing a real boost to the local economy.
The town would also be asked to subsidize all snow blower purchases, with estimated sales exceeding 250 units per year for the first five years, this would be a big help to local retail outlets. A free shovel and a bag of ice melter and rock salt would also be provided to each homeowner.
When asked for their first impression on the suggested plan, local officials indicated “funding for these sorts of projects are currently frozen, and there is ‘snoway’ we’ll even consider this!”

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