All I want for Christmas is a clean syringe

So you’re Jason Giambi, and you’re both an idiot and a liar.
You’ve lied about taking steroids, were dumb enough to start taking them in the first place and. yet, you still made $10 million (U.S.) last year when you weren’t even playing professional baseball.
You’re one of the key figures involved in the biggest drug scandal to ever hit the sports world (which would be the BALCO case, in case you’ve been buried in a gopher’s hole the past six months), and it looks like your career might be finished (even though you most likely will be paid what’s left on your contract).
You’ve repeatedly denied using any kind of performance enhancers. “I don’t do the stuff” and “I don’t need them” (yeah right, and I thought you looked like The Hulk just from eating Wheaties).
Turns out you’ve been taking them for years. Took them during your American League MVP season with the Oakland A’s in 2000 when you hit 43 home runs and had a .333 batting average.
Took them when you signed your seven-year, $120-million (U.S.) contract with the New York Yankees in ’01. And took them when you notched 41 home runs and 107 RBIs in your first year in pinstripes.
You got your first “batch” of enhancers from a Gold’s Gym in Las Vegas, and you missed last season because of a knee injury, an intestinal parasite, and a benign tumour reportedly on your pituitary gland, which though cannot be proven, looks to be directly related to your steroid use.
And now it looks doubtful that you can even lift a 20-pound dumbbell without a spot.
You then were pulled from a high-profile endorsement with Arm & Hammer, whose ads ended with the tagline, “All the muscle a man needs” (how suiting, wouldn’t you say?), because as the president of personal care at Church & Dwight put it, “We wanted our consumers to focus on the deodorant, not on Jason’s bulging muscles.”
In your statements made to the American federal grand jury in 2003, which were obtained by the San Francisco Chronicle two weeks ago, you were asked:
“Did Mr. Anderson (Giambi’s and Barry Bonds’ personal trainer) provide you with actual injectable testosterone?”
“Yes,” you answered.
Then, in reference to an alleged calendar from January, 2003, attorneys asked you, “OK. And this injectable T, or testosterone, is basically a steroid, correct?”
“Yes,” you replied.
“And did he talk to you about the fact it was a steroid at the time?” you then were asked.
“Yeah, I mean I—I don’t know if we got into a conversation about it, but we both knew about it yes,” you said.
You further added: “And he started talking about that it would raise your testosterone levels, you know, which would basically make it a steroid . . . or maybe he said it’s an alternative of taking an injectable steroid.
“That might be a better way to put it.”
Bravo, Jason, bravo. At least you told the truth during testimony (only because you would be put in the slammer if you were found to have lied, and considering the fact you are a shell of the man you once were, I think you made a wise move, because like an inmate would say, “You have a pretty face”).
But it’s Christmas, so here’s my gift to you. Not forgiveness, not frankincense nor myrrh, but a rather an old-time holiday classic, slightly altered to fit you and any other athlete involved with BALCO.
< *c>The Twelve Days
< *c>of a BALCO client
•On the first day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the second day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the third day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the fourth day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the fifth day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the sixth day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the seventh day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, seven CCs of stanozolol, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the eighth day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, eight blood transfusions, seven CCs of stanozolol, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the ninth day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, nine bottles of “the clear,” eight blood transfusions, seven CCs of stanozolol, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the 10th day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, 10 copies of the IOC banned substance list, nine bottles of “the clear,” eight blood transfusions, seven CCs of stanozolol, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the 11th day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, 11 shots of doxapram, 10 copies of the IOC banned substance list, nine bottles of “the clear,” eight blood transfusions, seven CCs of stanozolol, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.
•On the 12th day of Christmas my personal trainer gave to me, 12 clean syringes, 11 shots of doxapram, 10 copies of the IOC banned substance list, nine bottles of “the clear,” eight blood transfusions, seven CCs of stanozolol, six grams of triamterene, five different masking agents, four tubes of “the cream,” three shots of methamphetamines, two vials of clostebol, and a lovely centrifuge machine.

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