Add some colour to those Monday blues

I’ve never been one to wake up on a Monday morning and lament that it is indeed Monday. I never figured there was much point in that. I suppose it’s my “glass half-full” mentality.
I also would rather be caught eating a whole chocolate cake by myself than actually look for reasons why I should anticipate being crabby about the day—Monday or not.
I was taken up and challenged on that one, one recent Monday morning while hopping around trying to get my other foot into my underwear.
“Welcome to Jan. 24, the most depressing day of the year,” said the D.J., reading a report from a British psychologist. I already knew all about the winter depression season, but this guy’s cheese had fallen off his cracker.
“Prepare for rock bottom, we’re cold, miserable, in debt, out of shape, and losers because we’ve flushed our willpower about our New Year’s resolutions down the loo,” he said.
Suddenly I was thrown into a turbine of mixed emotions. This was supposed to help me deal with the coming day?! This was what I had to look forward to—before the sun had even risen?
And this prognosticator actually had devised a mathematical formula (which reminded me why I failed math in high school) to go along with it.
“I must be hearing things,” I said to myself. It’s Monday, 7 a.m., and I’m a cold, miserable, broke loser? Suddenly, the crow’s feet around my eyes tightened and lightening bolts shot from my corneas across the room—missing the radio by a hair.
“What’s up with that!” I squealed, sending the dog (who’d been using a cloaking device on my bed) skulking away to find a bunker.
Sure, I was cold—what do they expect? I have no heat in my bedroom save a billion kilowatt/hr space heater that spends more time on than off and comes with a monthly hydro bill—the amount owing equal to Oprah’s salary.
So what, I can deal with it.
Besides, “the chillies” have shaped me. I’m now faster than the speed of light at getting from my birthday suit into underwear and warm clothing before icicles start to form on the high points.
And at the end of the day when everything is just the opposite, nothing beats the cold better than friction, if you know what I mean. There’s nothing depressing about that.
Miserable? Aside from going there fast because I was too busy listening to the predictions of how my day would go and ended up with my panties on backwards with both legs in one opening . . . no, not on my agenda, thanks.
In debt. I laughed uncontrollably. Who me? Does this guy, who gave the “rock bottom” notice, think we all woke up that day and reached in our pockets to find a hole?
Let me tell you something, laddie. The pockets fell off my pants three years ago and I still can’t find the needle and thread. Thanks for reminding me. Now back off!
“Attitude is everything,” I told myself as I rushed through the rest of my morning routine, feigning a smile while slamming my pinkie finger in the sock drawer and choking back a few choice words when I realized 10 minutes after leaving home that I’d left my coffee mug on the counter.
By the time I got to work—late—the misery level was rising and I thought I was going down with the day after all.
Until, when in the loo, I realized I had my underwear on inside out.
I cracked myself up. Take a hike, grumpy!

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