A job you never want to have

After cutting himself shaving last week, “Jeopardy!” host Alex Trebek called Will Ferrell of Saturday Night Live to fill in, but after coming down with chicken-pox, he asked me to perform the hosting duties for a special Olympic celebrity edition.
I should’ve said no. Here’s the transcript from the show.
Voice Over: Live from the Sony Pictures Studios, this is “Celebrity Jeopardy!” And now here’s your host, Mr. Emmanuel Moutsatsos!
Host: Thank you, Johnny. Welcome folks to our special Olympic celebrity-edition. We have three fabulous contestants playing for charity today. Let’s meet them. President George W. Bush . . .
Bush: (looks up confused) What?
Host: A fisherman from Thessaloniki, Nikos Karagoizis . . .
Karagoizis: (takes a drink of moonshine) OPA!
Host: And Hollywood star Brad Pitt, who played the role of Achilles in “Troy” . . .
Pitt: (looking at himself in a mirror) Aren’t I pretty?
Host: (hesitates) Sure. . . . Good luck to all three of you.
Bush: (talking to no one inparticular) We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.
Host: (sarcastically) Okaaay. Let’s take a look at our board. The categories are “Show and Tell,” “Athens,” “Dates,” and “Greek Gods.” Remember to answer in a form of a question. Mr. Pitt, it’s your choice.
Pitt: “Dates” for $400.
Host: The answer: The modern Olympics began in Athens on this year.
Karagoizis rings in
Host: Mr. Karagoizis.
Karagoizis: (lights a cigarette) Did you know, the word ‘gymnastics’ translated into Greek means ‘school for the naked people’? (he drops his cigarette after being startled by time-out buzzer).
Pitt rings in
Host: Mr. Pitt.
Pitt: That is such a trip. Got any other ones Nikos?
Karagoizis: (lights another cigarette) Did you know, the word ‘decathlon’ comes from the Greek word meaning ‘10 on field’?
Host: Excuse me, gentleman, but could we get back to the game? (both contestants are visibly upset by interruption)
Bush: (out of nowhere) The future will be better tomorrow.
Host: The answer is 1896. Mr. Pitt, unfortunately the board it still yours.
Pitt: I’ll play your game you filthy animal! Let’s try “Reasons the Host Should be Kicked” for $200.
Host: How about “Show and Tell” for $800? I’ll just show you an Olympic sports object and you tell me what it is.
Bush: Marbles!
Host: (confused) No, Mr. Bush, I haven’t shown you the object yet. Here it is (holds up a discus). Name this object.
Karagoizis rings in
Karagoizis: I ate my lunch on that earlier today.
Host: No.
Karagoizis: (infuriated) Are you calling me a liar?!
Pitt rings in
Pitt: Can I buy a vowel?
Host: No!
Bush rings in
Host: Mr. Bush, what is this object?
Bush: (with a pleased look on his face) That is a javelin. I’ll take “Athens” for $200.
Host: (looks at the object, then to Bush) It’s a freaking discus!
Bush: Well, of course it is.
Host: Let’s move on. Mr. Bush, you are down $800 and Mr. Karagoizis and Mr. Pitt are down $1,200.
Pitt: The hell if I’m going to pay you $1,200!
Host: Please rest assured, Mr. Pitt, this is for charity. It is not your own money. Let’s move on to “Greek Gods” for $1,000. The answer: The Olympics were started to honour this king of the Greek gods.
Karagoizis rings in
Host: Mr. Karagoizis.
Karagoizis: (laughs) Yeah, what do you want?
Host: You buzzed in.
Karagoizis: (laughs) No I didn’t.
Host: Yes, you did!
Karagoizis: Yeah, well, that’s your opinion.
Host: I hate my life. The answer is “Zeus.”
Bush rings in three times
Bush: What is Zeus?
Host: (dumbfounded) Mr. Bush, I am convinced you have a learning disability.
Pitt: I will not pay! This is an injustice!
Host: Once again, Mr. Pitt, you don’t have to pay. Let’s move on. “Athens” for $1,000 . . . actually, you know what, just buzz in and say Athens.
Pitt: I’m Achilles!
Host: No you’re not. You just played him in a movie.
Karagoizis rings in four times
Host: Yes, Mr. Karagoizis, now all you have to do is say Athens.
Karagoizis: I think my buzzer is broken.
Host: No it’s not, you just buzzed in.
Karagoizis: No I didn’t (rings twice) I think it’s broken.
Host: Just pick a category then.
Karagoizis: Surprise me, you Greek racist!
Host: Okay, that’s completely unnecessary and how could I be a Greek racist, I am Greek! How about this? Just tell me who your favourite Olympic athlete is.
Bush: Aha! A trick question.
Pitt rings in
Pitt: Madonna.
Host: No. And please answer in the form of a question.
Pitt: Who is Madonna?
Host: No!
Pitt: What is Madonna?
Bush: I’ll tell you something, I think he’s right.
Host: (visibly annoyed) Let’s just move to Final Jeopardy. And the category is, “Olympic Events.” Just write down an Olympic sport. Just one. It can be anything.
(Lights dim and Jeopardy theme starts playing)
Host: And time is up. Let’s just get this over with. Mr. Bush, you wrote (screen is shown) nothing. You instead drew something that looks like the White House with a swing set on the front lawn.
Bush: Mr. Cheney usually pushes me.
Host: Mr. Karagoizis, your response was (screen is shown) actually written in Greek, and I know what that means and no, I am not related to the Minotaur.
Karagoizis: (laughing) Well, you sure look like it.
Host: Thank you, Mr. Karagoizis, and we now move on to Mr. Pitt. Let’s see how you answered (screen is shown). It seems you have written that I am the goddess of stupidity. Thank you Mr. Pitt, you truly are a gentleman.
(Pitt keels over in laughter)
Host: Unfortunately because of your scores, money will be taken away from your charities and there is no winner…
Pitt: (stands up) I won!
Host: No.
Pitt: Sure I did.
Host: Anyway, thank you for watching and I leave you a broken man. . . .
Pitt: Seriously, I did win.
Bush: If he won, I want a recount!
Comments? Suggestion? Favourite Jeopardy moments? E-mail me at emoutsatsos@fortfrances.com

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