In view of Minister Duncan’s recent and well-publicized comment, we should take the view that “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade,” and suggest the following as a solution to the job loses in Northwestern Ontario and the closing of the Atikokan Generating Station.
Now that the province has discovered the existence of a pocket of Neanderthals, it should—with its vast resources—approach Walt Disney Productions and entice them to establish a theme park in Northwestern Ontario based in Atikokan.
The name of the park, of course, would be “Neanderthal World.” It would cover all of this part of Ontario right up to the border of Nunavut.
To the delight of Minister Duncan and others, the park would be so authentic in nature that it would need absolutely no electricity.
They could create a whole new territory, or province, called “Sumuvit” (Some-of-it) to hold the park. With all the moose and moose droppings in the area, Minister Duncan could walk along the border and, at times, step in Nunavut while at others stepping in Sumuvit, and the Premier and Minister Duncan could take full credit for creating Sumuvit.
This would have a far better and greater legacy than closing coal-fired generating plants.
It also would solve a problem for the Canadian Mint. The loonie was to have 10 sides—one for each province. Somehow, the loonie ended up with 11 sides, so there is a spare side for Sumuvit.
Think of the promotional possibilities. The Atikokan River could be renamed the Neanderthal River, Thunder Bay becomes Neanderthal Bay, and Lake Superior could become Lake Neanderthal—complete with a Neanderthal monster sleeping in the Bay of Thunder that awakens on Neanderthal Day in February (a new statutory holiday only for Neanderthals, sorry Minister Duncan).
Jeff Foxworthy cold start a whole new career with, “You know you’re a Neanderthal if. . . .”
We could use the opening of the theme park to set a record for the greatest number of Neanderthals on the top of a rock (we’ll bring wise men from the east to count for us), and the whole region could adopt Neanderthal Bay’s adapted theme “Neanderthal by Nature,” just to name a few ideas.
Of course, Neanderthals would be a protected species to prevent governments form rendering them extinct.
Note: The Sumuvit idea I borrowed from a speech by another author, but it fits so well had to use it.
Councillor for the
Township of Sumuvus