Further to my eavesdropping on children’s conversations, I had the opportunity to listen to two of my grandsons discussing what they were wearing. Liam, who is not yet eight, came down dressed for school wearing a shirt with cheerful bananas on it, paired with shorts covered in orange slices, a fresh food theme if you will, finished off with yellow socks. Liam has always been a creative dresser, and his parents have not discouraged this. He has ADHD and so has a heightened sensitivity to some fabrics such as wool and polyester and fabrics with a rough surface. Clothes with tags or those that limit movements can have a detrimental effect on a child’s ability to cope. Liam likes “soft clothes” and his go-to option for school was pulling a fresh pair of pajamas out of his drawer, when he was very young, before he was diagnosed with ADHD. Luckily for Liam, his parents let him choose what he would wear which created a more comfortable experience for him at school, reducing those triggers. Aiden who is almost eleven far prefers his black pants and navy-blue t-shirt, not wanting to stand out in any way. The discussion between them about what was acceptable and what wasn’t ensued and… it got me thinking.
What do we do to children that erodes their self-confidence as they grow up? They aren’t born being self-conscious, that’s for sure. Think of all the wonderfully odd outfits your young children used to don when they were learning to dress themselves, how they broke into song whenever the spirit moved them, when questions were limitless and nothing was off limits. At some point our insistence on a child’s compliance with social norms instills the idea that to be good enough, you must look a certain way. Feeling self-conscious seems to come laced with a dose of shame. We can blame it on social media; we can blame it on an ever-increasing amount of advertising targeting children. But then the more important question comes to my mind – what can we do to protect a child’s innocence, how can we teach them to seize the freedom of being an individual and not a lemming, that they can shine and their brightness does not extinguish the light of another.
I tell my grandchildren at every opportunity that they are given light at birth, light that helps them shine, light to find their path and to light the path for others who may feel lost. But one must protect that light because there are always those who will try to extinguish it, whether intentional or not, some of whom think it will make their own light brighter, which is not the case. At every goodbye when I leave my grandchildren, I try to remember to remind them with my hand placed on their heart, that their light is a precious gift. I’m not sure they pay it much heed in the moment, but I hope if they hear it often enough it will be a quiet reminder throughout their lives.
Mike Birbiglia, one of my favourite stand-up comedians, often speaks of childhood issues and more so now that he is a father of a nine-year-old, especially considering his declaration as a young man that he had no intention of having children. In his latest special, “The Good Life” he says: “Kids don’t know a lot, but they absorb everything and if you are kind, kids know you are kind and if you are selfish, they know you are selfish.” As we all know, children will emulate our behaviour far more readily than they will our words. I think just about every article I have ever read about helping children to grow up strong tells us to model the behaviour we are seeking from them, followed closely behind by telling them that mistakes are opportunities to learn and not to be feared. It’s easy to admire the person who wins the race, but I hold my applause for those who keep running no matter how far behind they are, those who trip and fall over the hurdles and get back up and keep going.
wendistewart@live.ca
