If I could just get one of those . . .

You remember Jack, don’t you? Jack, the guy who traded his cow for the beans. Not just any beans, of course, but magic beans.
These beans were going to change his life; put him on the path to a better place.
I suppose they did but at considerable risk to his welfare, what with climbing the big beanstalk in the first place and then trying to run off with some giant’s special goose.
I had to wonder about his state of mind and if Jack even was thinking clearly. He very well might have been light-headed from the improper allotment of calories (word on the street was he and his mother were living below the poverty line).
I think I know just how Jack’s mind worked, though. I might not have traded the cow, considering my great affection for cows, but I have an understanding of what he was going for.
He could hear his mother’s voice in his head saying, “Don’t do it! Don’t do it!” But he still gave it a go.
Jack and I aren’t so different.
You know the Home Hardware advertisement for The Ultimate Spin Mop? Yah, that’s the one where “cleaning has never been so easy” and with the claims about “never touching a dirty mop head again.”
Who really wants to touch a dirty mop head; I know I don’t. Not anymore. If I could just get my hands on that mop, which isn’t so hard considering there’s a Home Hardware store near just about everyone.
If I made the trip to the Home Hardware and picked myself up one of those wonderful Ultimate Spin Mops, I could change my life; maybe not in the grand dangerous epic proportion way that Jack did, but definitely change my life for the better.
If I had The Ultimate Spin Mop, my life’s problems would correct themselves. My house would be clean and practically would clean itself with this Ultimate Spin Mop, and how can you go wrong with a clean house?
But here’s where my confession is required. If it were just the one Ultimate Spin Mop, I easily could clean my way to higher ground. But I get this urgent desire to purchase all cleaning products that promise me a better life.
I have been coveting a Dyson vacuum cleaner for years now. I don’t have one, but I dream about having one, though I wouldn’t want you telling anyone that (they might think less of me).
Then again, my birthday is coming up. And it’s a big one this year (just saying).
There’s the three-pack of Microfibre Scrubbers that are made of “microfibre twist pile scrubbing fibres.” These people aren’t fooling around. Microfibre twist pile scrubbing fibres? What does that even mean?
They sound space age. I bet they could survive re-entry through the atmosphere on a trip to Mars and back.
I have these Microfibre Scrubbers. I couldn’t help myself. They clean well, but I’m not sure I’ve noticed a change in my stature. I haven’t found any golden egg-laying geese in my back yard.
And this was the hardest winter on record, so I’m thinking they don’t have any power when it comes to climate control. But still, it was worth the purchase.
What about Oxiclean and Didi Seven Universal Stain Remover? Yup, I got ’em. And my stains still are pretty much visible to the naked eye.
I’d have to say as far as buying miracle cleaning products goes, Didi Seven was the biggest disappointment, right up there with Goo Gone. I should have known when they said if I call now, they would send me two—not one but two.
That’s always a clue.
Now what about Enjo? I hear amazing things about these products and they’ll arrange financing with a second mortgage on your house for payment, so what could possibly go wrong?
wendistewart@live.ca

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