Belonging is an essential part of our existence; we need it, we thrive with it. Psychology Today writes, “The innate motivation for connection is deeply embedded in our biological makeup.” Society and those who direct our actions have interfered with that basic need. A simple example is how early in the 19th century, with the rise of behavioural study and the increased influence of male doctors, young mothers were told the importance of not holding their babies nor responding to their cries to prevent “spoiling” their babies. “Self-soothing” became a popular term and that influence is still present today with young parents employing “sleep trainers.” Breastfeeding was frowned upon in the 19th century, particularly in Canada and the United States, where it was thought of as being low-class and for those who were poor and couldn’t afford formula, and was considered less practical and limited a mother’s activities. It took a revival in the1960s to re-educate mothers of the importance of breast milk for both nutritional and emotional well-being, holding infants while feeding and comforting them.
We began setting templates for all manner of acceptable appearances and behaviours; the power of marketing infiltrated our lives. Educational practices were streamlined as though children would and could only learn one way. We scratch our heads about how gangs and their negative behaviour can attract boys in such high numbers. Girls are also being targeted for gang activity as of late, a practice that hasn’t caught the necessary attention of those working to help prevent youth from joining gangs. The “why” of gang’s recruitment success seems easy to answer – belonging. Those living in poverty are often single mothers. The stresses and pressures of providing for a family with one income doesn’t allow a lot of time for parenting and nurturing. CBC reported that 7,000 Canadian youths are involved in 434 gangs, with almost half of those recruited under the age of eighteen. They join for a variety of reasons, but many youths are seeking connection, seeking acceptance. With the shrinking of opportunities available to youth, their risk of recruitment is heightened.
The Alberta government had to dig its way out of its decision to ban books in Alberta schools. They back-pedalled when public backlash came from across the country and beyond. They claimed they were targeting anything of a sexual nature but were adding LGBTQ themes/plots and books about other marginalized groups to the list. That makes about as much sense as forbidding right-handed children from sitting beside a left-handed child at school for fear they will change their dominant hand. All children need to see themselves in literature and in other forms of art. Just as Jim Abbott was flooded with letters from children who benefited from seeing him pitch at the major league level despite having only one hand, so too do children who are labelled “different” need to see those like them participating in all manner of activities, living normal lives.
My daughter works in Indigenous Learning in the Surrey School District in B.C. An eighteen-year-old student brought her bag of drums to a group of kids in grades one to three, some of whom were pre-verbal. The young woman started by simply rubbing her drum gently with her fingers. Soon, the children followed suit. Then she began singing and it wasn’t long before the children joined in. She continued and the students continued with her, everyone participated without instruction. She explained to her wee audience how the drums were made and the significance of the drum. “Were these animals once alive,” asked one of the students. “Yes,” she said, along with an explanation of the respect for these animals and the use of their whole bodies and the importance of expressing gratitude. At the end of the class one little girl approached the young woman with a question. “Are you Indigenous?” she asked. The young woman nodded. “I am, too,” exhaled the wee girl, smiling at finding another whom she recognized, knowing she belonged because someone who looked and sounded like her sat amongst the children, sharing her story.
Ed Sheeran has been very public in crediting arts in the schools for fostering connection. He’s not the only artist who makes such a claim. We know that belonging is essential to our well-being. “The early years are important for developing social skills that help buffer losses throughout life. Focusing on belonging during the early years and at school provides a proactive approach towards fostering positive transitions into adulthood and beyond,” writes Kelly-Ann Allen, PhD for Psychology Today. We all need to belong. Babies need to be held, children need to be nurtured and encouraged, adults need friendships they can turn to in times of stress, and seniors with increasing limitations need connection to thrive.
wendistewart@live.ca
