Editor’s note: Rob Horton is absolutely, definitely NOT running for mayor.
A platform for the future we deserve, whether we asked for it or not
Fellow Fort Frances residents,
For too long, municipal politics has suffered from moderation, practicality, reason, logic and compromise. I am running to end this failed experiment.
For generations, we have settled for solutions. We have accepted balance. We have tolerated nuance. We have permitted common sense to stand in the way of progress.
No more.
The time has come for bold leadership, sweeping transformation, and consequences that no one has fully thought through.
If elected, my platform is simple.
1: FULL AND IMMEDIATE RENAMING AND REBRANDING
The town shall henceforth be known as Rancho Cucamonga with collaborative districts of Uncle Elroy and Aunt Sugar.
This change will take effect immediately.
All municipal signage, maps, websites, business cards, uniforms, coffee mugs, hockey jerseys, email signatures, water bills and name tags will be updated by close of business on the first Friday. Residents unable to pronounce the name will be enrolled in mandatory evening pronunciation workshops until compliance is achieved.
The current official slogan “Boundless” is problematic, colonial, exclusionary and insensitive to Olympic hurdlers who did not place bronze, silver or gold in the last century.
2: RIGHTS FOR WATER, SOIL, MINERALS, POLLEN AND VEGETATION
It is time to extend Charter rights to water, soil, moss, lichens, cattails and exceptionally mature dandelions.
Creeks shall possess standing in court.
Trees shall be entitled to legal counsel.
Topsoil shall be protected from unreasonable search and seizure.
A municipal ombudsman for aquatic grievances will be appointed immediately.
If corporations are people, why stop there?
3: THE RAINY LAKE HOTEL POPULATION RECOVERY INITIATIVE
Experts agree our region faces demographic challenges. Therefore, the Rainy Lake Hotel must be rebuilt immediately.
While lesser minds see no connection between hotel construction and birth rates, visionary leadership recognizes that correlation, causation and optimism are essentially interchangeable.
As in previous decades, every room occupied at the Rainy Lake Hotel is a victory for population growth.
4: MUNICIPAL DIGNITY REFORM
All municipal employees shall henceforth be addressed as “Your Highness.”
Repeated failure to comply will result in mandatory sensitivity training. Persistent offenders will be required to write a 2,000-word reflection on the importance of a respectful workplace monarchy.
If respect is good, compulsory reverence is better.
5: THE TOTAL PIPELINE REMEDIATION ACT
Blocking future pipelines is insufficient. Every existing pipeline must be excavated and removed.
This includes oil pipelines, gas pipelines, fibre optic lines and infrastructure, hydro service, water mains, sewer systems and any suspicious-looking conduit discovered along the way.
True commitment requires consistency.
If any underground infrastructure is problematic, then all underground infrastructure is problematic.
As the official campaign song shall be “Nothing but Flowers” by Talking Heads, its lyrics will be recited before every council meeting (and sung before any town event) as a reminder of the future we are courageously misunderstanding.
6: ARENA JUSTICE
All voicemail recordings warning callers about verbal abuse will be removed immediately.
The Memorial Arena will be converted into a Roman-style gladiatorial conflict resolution centre.
- Neighbour disputes.
- Facebook arguments.
- Council delegations.
- Letters to the editor.
All shall be settled before a live audience.
An honorary Caesar selected annually by lottery will determine outcomes while dining on a Caesar salad and a Caesar cocktail in the company of a flown-in Shih Tzu named Caesar (as nuance is the foe of consistency).
Democracy has had its chance.
7: COLLECTIVE STEWARDSHIP OF EVERYTHING
Private property has divided us. Therefore, all property shall belong equally to everyone:
- Homes.
- Cabins.
- Garages.
- Accumulated wealth and equity.
- Fishing spots.
- Lawn chairs.
- The contents of refrigerators.
- Especially the contents of refrigerators.
Property taxes will continue. No one will know exactly why.
8: INTERNATIONAL PARTNERSHIPS AND COOPERATION
A memorandum of understanding will be signed declaring that Fort Frances shall never become the 51st State of the United States.
At the same time, negotiations will begin to establish Northwestern Ontario as a Special Co-operative Territory jointly partnered with the Democratic Republic of Congo, Angola, Somalia, Zimbabwe, Haiti and Iraq.
These nations have extensive experience with colonial history, conflict, state formation, successful institutional reconstruction and international intervention. We believe they have much to teach us about overcoming struggles while restructuring a bold new initiative. International relationships will also support local snow removal and committee procedure.
A delegation will be dispatched immediately.
9: MUNICIPAL ROMANCE FRAMEWORK
A rotating town-wide lottery system will be established, providing all residents with an equal opportunity for a date with bass guitar virtuoso Wes Debungie. Selection criteria will be transparent and merit-free.
Love paired with low-end serenades should not be reserved for elites.
10: REPRESENTATION FOR THE TRULY (TRULY) MARGINALIZED
Every board, committee, and administrative body shall reserve three seats for committed players of Magic: The Gathering, EverQuest or Dungeons & Dragons.
Municipal translators specializing in Latin, Sumerian and obscure fantasy game lore will be hired.
For too long, we have ignored those communities possessing encyclopedic knowledge of Azeroth while consulting people with practical experience of the real world. We must recognize the wisdom of those who have spent decades preparing for the arrival of Nicol Bolas.
We must amplify voices that have mastered warp zone strategies and boss battles more complex than any municipal challenge.
We must finally acknowledge that experience defeating dragons is, at minimum, equivalent to a Ph.D. in public administration.
Furthermore, extensive assumptions have confirmed that all legitimate gamers think alike, feel alike, vote alike and possess substantially identical lived experiences, as do all recognized members of the adjacent Mortal Kombat community. For too long, society has made the mistake of treating them as distinct individuals.
This ends now.
11: THE COMMUNITY CONSULTATION ENHANCEMENT ACT
For too long, major decisions have been made after consulting only residents, businesses, stakeholders, experts, communities, provincial agencies, federal agencies and affected parties.
This exclusionary approach must end.
Before any municipal decision is made, consultation shall be conducted with:
- Current residents.
- Former residents.
- Future residents.
- Seasonal residents.
- People who once drove through town.
- People who intended to drive around town but took Highway 11 by mistake.
- The descendants of future residents who have received a regional postcard.
- The consciousnesses of residents now residing in an AI mainframe.
No decision shall proceed until unanimous consensus is reached.
Estimated implementation timeline maturation: 147 years.
12: THE MUNICIPAL EQUALIZATION OF OUTCOMES PROGRAM
Not everyone in town has the same number of fish caught, deer harvested, Facebook likes received, hockey championships won, or successful garage sales conducted.
This inequality is unacceptable.
A new Equalization Office will redistribute:
- Fish.
- Trophies.
- Compliments.
- Likes and reactions.
- Children’s report card stickers.
- Lucky fishing stories.
No resident shall possess an above-average experience nor unique outcome. Together, we can achieve fairness through universal mediocrity.
13: THE MISINFORMATION ELIMINATION STRATEGY
The spread of misinformation threatens our community.
To combat this, all public statements must first be approved by the Municipal Truth Verification Committee.
The committee will consist of:
- One retired educator.
- One Facebook administrator.
- One uncle who “does his own research.”
- One Labrador retriever selected by lottery.
- One volunteer resident quoting Spaulding from Caddyshack.
- Three people who begin every sentence with “Actually…”
Citizens found expressing incorrect opinions will be issued updated opinions by mail. These opinions will remain valid until the next update.
Together, we can build a future where nobody is ever wrong because nobody is permitted to think independently.
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In closing, I ask for your support.
Not because this platform is realistic.
Not because it is affordable.
Not because it is constitutional.
But because the challenges facing our community demand leadership courageous enough to mistake confidence for competence.
HORTON FOR MAYOR: Forward together, regardless of direction
Robert Animikii Horton is an educator, author, orator and linguist. He is a member of Rainy River First Nations.
The Fort Frances Times does not approve of, endorse, sanction or even begin to understand this message.
