Use soothers to chill out

The other morning at the Bakery in Rainy River, Don pulled up to the debating table with his youngest daughter.
A bubbling, effervescent bundle of joy; all smiles giggles and sunshine. That is, until bored with her toast, she headed for the cookie and candy counter.
First Auntie blocked her way, then Dad grabbed her and tried to stuff her back in the high chair.
“Gad, you’re a worse whiner than your Uncle Kirk . . . or any other CN Hoghead!” exclaimed an exasperated Don.
The rest of us, plugging our ears, agreed.
Kicking and screaming, she descended into a fit of clawing, wailing fury. And when it appeared there would be no relief from both her and our pain, she spied the remedy right there on the table: her soother.
A little hand shot out, grabbed it, and stuffed it in her mouth. A beatific smile spread from ear to ear, and the ensuing silence was deafening—punctuated only by a contented, “Thuppa, thuppa, thuppa.”
We all looked around in amazement (though it doesn’t take much to amaze this group).
That’s when it hit me. Most of the world’s conflicts and problems could be reduced, if not completely solved, by the widespread distribution and use of soothers.
Instead of bitching about politicians, just plug in that soother and suck. Domestic dispute? Here suck on that!
That sounds like something my wife, the Pearl of the Orient, might endorse. Several times I recall her saying, “Elliott, why don’t you go suck a lemon?”
Internecine conflict and terrorism could be reduced to nothing. After all, it would be pretty hard to concentrate on bomb construction or an armed ambush when you contentedly are mouthing that soother and harking back to breastfeeding days.
And think of the industry it would create, as well as environmental clean-ups. All those used tires could be converted into adult suckies. High fashion would be the latest silk tie for suspending those precious pacifiers always in easy reach for emergency use.
Pickle’s true frugal nature surfaced at this suggestion as he pointed out, “You know, it would be cheaper to just suck our thumbs.”
That quickly was voted down by a discussion on the quality and taste of bait for the fall walleye season.
“Maybe one filled and flavoured . . . with, say margaritas, would be a more popular approach,” I thought out loud.
Most heads nodded in agreement.
Clarence opined it might be worth trying if it would ease his phobia of spiders. “Gad, I hate them! Can’t wait ’til it freezes ’em.”
So come on down to the Debating Table at the Bakery in Rainy River—the international hub of the adult soother movement and chill out.
But bring your own suckie—we don’t share.

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