Everything is bad for you

Doesn’t seem to matter what it is you consume or participate in. Sooner or later some study someplace will prove it’ll kill you.
Milk, for example, is great for you. Lots of calcium for strong teeth and bones. Well, apparently not, according to a recent report causes brittle bones.
Skim better than whole with all that butterfat that will clog your arteries? Apparently not. You need that good fat to keep your cholesterol balanced.
Red meat, not so good. Better stick to chicken. But those chicks spread bird ’flu, are raised in cruel conditions, and their ammonia creates more gas than all those farting cows.
Coffee! Bad! Bad! All that caffeine will burn out the ticker! Limit it to two cups a day.
C’mon, get real. The minimum amount at the debating table at the Bakery in Rainy River is a robust four cups (our hearts and kidneys will not function on any less than that).
Here at the Beach on the Redneck Riviera, we go for only three cups, but they are big cups—even if the coffee is a little dish watery.
Mediterranean diet with all that pasta and red wine, very healthy. But raises hell with the diabetes and the liver.
What do you mean control the portion size? If they meant you to drink only one glass per day, they would put it in smaller bottles.
Green, leafy vegetables great for your health, except they are loaded with pesticides and heavy metals, not to mention E. coli. Wash them well? Sorry, the water is full of toxic chlorine.
Use your signal lights, drive the speed limit, and wear your seat belt? Hmm, the tail-gaters will run over you; signal lights mean nothing to most drivers, particularly here in the Redneck Riviera (heck, even the cops don’t use signals; and seat belts prevent you from ducking when the bullets start flying (they shoot snowbirds, don’t they?)
However, I have found one study which conclusions cannot be contradicted. Eating cucumbers is extremely dangerous.
In a year-long study, it was found that 100 percent of those who consumed cucumbers every week during the year the participants’ eating habits were documented have since died.
Imagine that—100 percent mortality.
The only responsible thing to do is ban the production, importation, and consumption of cucumber in any form. Fresh or preserved.
No hotdog relish. No tomato and cucumber sandwiches. No garlic dills. No bread and butter pickles. Nothing! Nada!
This information is so alarming, I have no doubt “Moose” will refuse to come out of his basement for the next two weeks. Paranoia is a terrible thing.
Oh, by the way, that cucumber consumption study was carried out from Jan. 1 thru Dec. 31, 1848.

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