A plumbing conundrum

First, in case you hadn’t noticed, the drought in the district of the past year has ended—I think.
That out of the way, let’s look at the wonders of modern plumbing: the hot shower.
You are worn out, tired, sore, dirty, and there is nothing quite like a long, hot shower to send your cares down the drain. It is one of the true pleasures of modern plumbing.
The modern biffy is great, but so is the outdoor john or, as Alvin Hagarty calls it, the Australian long drop. But attendant bathing in the lake or under the eavestrough downspout, while invigorating, leaves something to be desired.
So it was that evening in Winnipeg when I was looking forward to a long, hot shower. A morning of fighting the traffic and the crush of insane shoppers had left me pretty much frazzled.
On top of that, the dictum from my wife, the Pearl of the Orient, that I get my butt into gear and get ready for the wedding we were scheduled to attend demanded I find some solace in a long, hot, steamy, soothing shower.
My brother-in-law had the perfect solution. He had spent the better part of two years, and several thousand dollars, installing a state-of-the-art, technological, water wizard walk-in shower. I would try it out.
I entered the inner sanctum and received the shock of my life. Staring at me face-to-face was a stark naked, tall, paunchy, extremely hairy, ugly old man. It was quite a shock. Even moreso when I realized it was my own reflection in the full-length wall mirror.
Certainly cured any illusions I had of ditching the Pearl and re-entering the dating world.
My shock was further heightened when I looked at the array of controls on the back wall of the double-wide shower. There were dials, buttons, and handles galore.
Let’s keep this simple, I thought, as I took down the hand-held shower wand and, directing the spray head away from me, flipped the control lever full open.
From overhead, a gush of ice-cold water drenched me. I slapped at the control lever three times before I got it shut off.
Fully awake now, I took a closer look at the controls. I twisted one knob 90 degrees and, stepping to one side away from the shower head, I hit the lever again. This time, a deluge of water came straight out of the back of the shower wall.
I was the only thing between the nozzles and the open shower door that kept the bathroom floor from being flooded. Another three slaps at the control lever managed to get things shut off again.
I went and put my glasses on, mopped up the floor, and more fully studied this modern monster. Reading the directions, I did figure out where to set the dial for the overhead shower, but it took a bit of trial to adjust the temperature.
The hot and cold supply was reversed, and I only got a minor scald before I figured that out.
Fully bathed, I emerged from the bathroom sometime later. “Did you try the steam and the bidet?” asked my sister-in-law. I demurred it was all too technical for me.
Truthfully, I was afraid to touch any of the array of buttons on the control pad. I honestly think that had I, a panel would have swung open and a set of big revolving brushes, like in a car wash, might have popped out and thrashed me good.
Perhaps I’d better revert to showering under the downspout now that the drought is over.