This was a bit of a reboot. I started it in 2010 and just got it finished during my annual trek to Alberta.This is important! You know the routine, but you are a senior, or like me a senior; senior, so let’s review. As your 80+ driving licence test is coming up!
First let’s assume nothing. Remember when you ASSUME you can make an ASS out of U and ME.
Critical parts of your travel plan are where you will make pit stops, where you will eat and where you will stay.
Pit stops should be calculated based on your coffee consumption, bladder capacity, and road conditions. When you have determined the optimum number, multiply by two. Why? Because strange things happen.
Upon passing a rest stop sign explaining it is at least 50 +. miles to the next one, your bladder will immediately begin to spasm. For men no problem. There’s always the roadside bushes. For my sweetheart, the Pearl of the Orient higher standards were required.
When you do reach a pit stop there are a number of protocols that should be followed.
First when heading across the parking lot concentrate on getting all your joints limbered up and resist all temptations to drop any ‘rolling thunder’.
Remember your sphincters probably don’t have the resilience of youth. Also your hearing threshold will not match that of the six year old kid following you who will bellow in full voice, “Mommy, that Grandma farted!”
Next plan your entry into restroom; gentlemen, by securing your car keys and wallets in your pockets- preferably one with a zippered opening. Ladies secure all jewelry including magnetic clasp bracelets and loose rings. These precautions will prevent any impromptu fishing trips in the porcelain pool. Even greater reason is the advent of the automatic flush. If you think your senior reflexes can out grab
the automatic flush you are dreaming.
Finally take a roll of paper towels because the stock toilet tissue even if the dispenser is not empty, will simply not be up to the job.
And finally good luck finding one with a seat that will not skid sideways a good six inches endangering any dangly bits.
Finally, considering all the possible dangers and pitfalls, maybe you’d be better off to just stay home!
