Social Distancing not so new

Beating this COVID19 thing should be a snap for the Rainy River District. Personally I have very limited social contact as most folk in town will cross the street to avoid talking to me. When they have a juicy bit of gossip they want released to the press, they phone me anonymously. The rational being the slander and libel suit will be visited upon me not them. I guess most have never heard of caller I.D. and tape recorders. Guess I’m safe.
With the sloppy barnyard season upon us many on the farm should have no problem maintaining social isolation. Please! Boots and coveralls left at the door following that latest herd inspection which included wrestling those two calves to the ground for scours treatment.
Leikki and Stinkki Bootela, the two bachelors from the backcountry, will be having their semiannual baths as soon as they fall through the ice on the creek? Familiarity will keep us at a distance
And at the bar, you never want to sit too close to other patrons. They would probably expect you to buy the next round. No transmission risks here either.
Then there is the idiocy of the run (not runs) on toilet paper. It’s a crude, cruel world. If you want a really good perspective on this crisis, I recommend this YouTube video, Ballad of the Dunny Roll by S.J. Paterson: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=ia0bfWbOLjY
Down in Hooterville just consider the serious situation poor Dennis has found himself in. The trip to the heavy equipment exposition down in Lost Wages was the chance of a lifetime. It only happens once every five years. The knowledge he would acquire not to mention all the cultural events, like attending the ballet. And his wife wouldn’t even go with him no matter how much he begged.
When he arrived home, late at night 10 days later, he was greeted by a stack of stuff on the porch and a securely locked door.
“C’mon Sweetie open the door. It’s cold out here. I need a shower and a warm bed,” he begged in his best guilty puppy dog manner.
“Sorry, no can do. You have to go into quarantine for two weeks. The hospital won’t let me come to work if I’m in contact with any out of country travelers,” explained Sweetie from behind the solidly locked door.
“But where am I going to stay,” whined Dennis.
“You can stay out in the hunting shack. You always say how much you enjoy going out there,” retorted Sweetie.
“But it’s cold out there, and there’s no food out there. And the Café is closed,” moaned Dennis a suggestion of desperation creeping into his voice.
‘Take the chain saw and cut some firewood. Good exercise for you. And there is a case of canned Baked Beans by your sleeping bag and hunting clothes. And when you come home in two weeks make sure you go straight to the clinic for a Covid19 test. If it comes back negative…that will take another 4 days…you can come in the house,” ordered Sweetie laying down the law.
“But there’s no shower or facilities or any power or anything out at the shack,” stuttered Dennis still in disbelief.
“Oh, on that point when you do come home, strip off those clothes out by the garage and put them straight into the burning barrel,” finished Sweetie as she turned from the door and headed back toward the fire place.
“But, but, but. . . ” offered Dennis now totally defeated.
Not to worry Dennis – with another couple weeks of bachelorhood, it’ll be just like another honeymoon after 35 years.
And to Lisa. . . girl, brace yourself