Dangerous words

Ah spring. The grass is green and the mower is just begging to be fired up. The grass on the golf course is also green and the golf cart is ready to roll. The water on the river is sparkling, the outboard is fueled, the minnow bucket filled, and that whole assortment of new tackle lovingly selected over several visits to Bass Pro over the winter is just begging to be tested.

That’s when it happens.

With one hand on her hip holding a magazine- 1000 Interior Design Ideas and the a finger of the other hand poised pensively on her chin, your spouse wanders into the kitchen where you are dutifully preparing her favourite gourmet meal and states, “I’ve been thinking…”

Words that will strike terror into the heart of the most stoic do-it-yourselfer.

“I was just thinking of painting those cupboard doors, but maybe we could make a couple of extra units for by the fridge, and new drywall on that one chunk, and well that patio slider door is the pits. A new set of French Garden doors would be much nicer.”

She pauses for a breath and fishes out a pen to start the list.

“A new kitchen sink would be great and what the heck, let’s get a granite counter top. Might as well re-plumb the kitchen and the laundry room as well while we’re at it.”

You stoically swallow, maintaining your silence. After all, if a man speaks in the kitchen and whether his wife hears him or not, he’ll still be wrong.

“We might as well rip out all the rest of the drywall, re-insulate and rewire while we’re at it. Material isn’t that expensive.”

You notice your heart rate and blood pressure rising. Your acid reflux starts acting up.

“What kind of flooring should we get? Ceramic would nice, right? Of course I’ve heard it’s heavy so you might have to put in some extra floor joists, a support beam and a new sub floor, do you think?”

Those questions are of course, totally rhetorical.

“Oh heck, we might just as well redo the whole thing. Get it over and done with. Besides you promised me anything for Mothers’ Day and you are soooo handy.”

Sounds like it’s too late to retreat to the man cave!

“I’ll phone the building centre and they can deliver the supplies Monday. There will be lots of room in the garage as I’ll be leaving for my vacation in Calgary Sunday afternoon. I’ll be completely out of your hair so you should have it pretty well wrapped up by the time I get back, right? I’ll order the new appliances online while I’m away.”

You start to sputter a protest, but are silenced before you can utter anything coherent.

“No! No! It’s the least I can do while you’re ripping and tearing and sucking in all that drywall dust. Share and share alike, right?”

The wise man will of course answer, “Yes Dear.”