Some modest proposals

Dear sir:
It appears lately that some of our town councillors have developed cold feet about the library project they had supported in the past.
Perhaps men like Coun. Wiedenhoeft and others should be listened to. Some people want our new library to be a diamond. Our councillors know a shiny pebble is quite enough.
There are many ways to save money on a new library building. Obviously the new building’s plans include an elevator to enable physically-challenged patrons to get around. If the elevator shaft is already in the plans, so be it, but do we really need an elevator?
Elevators are expensive and require lots of expensive maintenance. If the issue is only getting wheelchairs from one floor to another, what’s wrong with hooking a few carabineers to the wheelchair and raising and lowering the chair with ropes?
Doesn’t anyone understand how a pulley works? It can be done quickly and efficiently. One trip to Mountain Equipment Co-op could supply everything needed.
I know some spendthrifts will argue the present library staff may not be physically capable of raising and lowering patrons using a rope and pulley. But let’s remember that they have more than a year to bulk up and prepare for these duties.
Steroids are illegal in sports, not librarianship.
Every new building spends a ton of money on a sprinkler system. But what if the roof were constructed entirely of vertically-placed tubes that reached into the building? The end of every tube could be fitted with a cork. Rainwater would fill each of the tubes and excess water would run off the eavestroughs.
The librarian could be given a long-handled pair of tongs. If there were ever a fire, one only would have to pull the corks out of the tubes over the fire. What a saving that would be!
It seems that every time a new building is constructed, wasters of tax dollars want all sorts of fancy new furniture. Has any thought been given to using concrete blocks and planks for the new bookshelves?
Such a system is very durable, as well as economical.
And as for the rest of the furniture, has anyone on town council or the library board taken a close look at the perfectly-good chairs, tables, and other items discarded daily at the town dump? Let’s get our councillors out to the dump and start saving real tax dollars!
Are there no garage sales? Are there no flea markets?
And whenever we have prospective doctors come and visit our community, let’s get them down to the dump scrounging furniture for our library. Think how impressed they’ll be with our community’s fiscal responsibility.
And what’s happened to the pioneer spirit displayed by the first settlers to Rainy River District? Did our venerable pioneers say they couldn’t come and settle our region because they were not provided with shiny new waterclosets?
Of course not. They made do with outdoor facilities—and so can their descendants who are library patrons.
Surely we in this district still have the know-how to build privies and we can build some of them with ramps so they can be accessible to all. And let’s make sure they are well provided with Sears catalogues to show we know what refined living is.
We could do without plumbing entirely and save a bundle. Just get a case of Aquafina in case the staff gets thirsty.
And as for heating, do we live in a region where forestry is the main industry? And we would consider heating with something other than wood?
I think not! Nothing is cozier in the winter than a woodstove with a roaring fire inside.
Modern libraries are designed to maximize the use of natural sunlight. If that’s the case, what do we need expensive light fixtures for? Let’s just adjust the library hours so it’s open when the sun is shining.
Who wants to read in the dark anyway?
If we incorporate these and other money-saving suggestions into the new library, we’ll have a facility that truly will be a tribute to the sagacity and foresight of our town council.
It truly will tell us what kind of leadership we have in this town.
Yours truly,
Rudolf K.F. Zeitlhofer
Fort Frances, Ont.