Just trying to help

Dear editor:
If you are utilizing any of our local “services,” try following these simple steps.
For cable reception problems, call the number provided, navigate the message system, and hold for a very long time. A perky operator will tell you what she thinks is the problem and that you should hang up and call another time.
Having just been told you are a moron, you wiggle the cable connections like you were instructed. Then you will call again, to be promised prompt service.
You will wait.
One week later, you will receive a call explaining that the office heat is not working and you’ll be served when they’re feeling better (the office temperature affects their ability to drive those trucks).
For Union Energy equipment problems (i.e., a hot-water tank bursts and destroys your basement), call the emergency number. You will be told the local service provider will be dispatched immediately.
You will wait. Spend your time cleaning out the basement. You can’t watch T.V. or do the dishes anyway.
One day later, you will receive a call explaining that you are not a priority and you should stop whining and wait. You will wait.
I recommend you do the following: 1). Using wire-cutters, cut the T.V. cable into very small pieces and buy a satellite dish. 2). Drag water tank to the curb and kick it once for every dollar you’ve spent on it—go buy a tank.
Do not assume that by damaging property, you will send a message to the companies who’ve ignored you. They have never heard of you.
You will be happy to know that if Public Works is in your neighbourhood, they will dig up your lawn, tear up your trees, and bill you in a timely fashion.
To relax, you may want to have a cigarette in public or shop at Wal-Mart. Both offences are punishable by public stoning.
Think of something happy—like your tax dollars being used to build a really big mermaid statue.
Just trying to help,
Carla Mose