The New Phone

“Why can’t we see our kids on our cell phone like Donny and Lou can?” asked my wife Norma, the Pearl of the Orient. It wasn’t really a question. It was a direction. I was too wise to object, as after all my lusting after a new trike to add to the stable was going to be hard enough to justify without being accused of being stingy about a new phone.
I stopped in at Sightless, Soundless and Unreasonable in Fat Frantic the next day.
“I need a new uPhone to sync with my uPad. Fix me up,” I quipped as I breezed through the door.
“Sir! You can’t come in! You have no mask!” screeched the horrified clerk hastily taking three steps straight back knocking over the uPhone display and dodging behind the plastic shield.
I retreated to the curb and retrieved my mucous-soaked mask from the car. Applied to my face it puffed in and out as I breathed. Nothing like a good ragweed induced attack of hayfever to start the nostrils flowing.
Back in the store the clerk approached warily, clipboard at the ready to swat off any offending personal body fluids.
“I need a new uPhone….” I started, but was quickly cut off.
“Do you have any COVID-19 symptoms?” he interrupted, but behind his mask his eyes said, “You look like a plague infested walking germ sack!”
“No! No! it’s just this hayfever!’ I explained as my mask puffed in and out with each breath and snot dribbled down my chin and dripped off the bottom of my mask.
“I need a new uPhone….” I started again, but was again interrupted.
“Do you have an appointment? We only see clients by appointment,” I was informed. Well, this is a high class joint. Now I’m a client. Last year I was just Jack.
“No, but….” I started again.
“Let me check my uPhone…. Yes we’ve had a cancellation. Please leave the store and come back at 10:38.” It was 10:29. I stepped outside, flipped up my mask, blew my nose and refilled my by then nearly collapsed lungs. At 10:34 I stepped back inside, my soggy mask back in place.
The clerk studiously avoided my gaze and concentrated on shuffling some papers on the counter. At 10:38 his phone “Pinged”, he looked up and politely asked, “Yes sir, how may we serve you?”
“I need one of those uPhones to replace my expired contract. The ad says I can get one for “free” with a two year contract,” I stammered almost out of breath.
Turned out they weren’t exactly free but we did the deal. As the tech started to explain the operation of the phone, my eyes glazed over as my plugged mask had the flow of oxygen to my brain pretty well cut off by then.
“Forget it. I’ll figure it out myself,” I muttered as I gathered up the cord and other bits, pieces, and my now smoking credit card and stumbled out the door.
Turns out I couldn’t figure it out myself, but Junior walked me through the process and I managed to get it turned on and a day later answered a phone call.
Just out of the shower and dewey fresh I grabbed the electronic wonder chirping at me and pushed the “accept” button.
“Hey Giggles, How ya doin’?” I said marveling at how the uPhone knew exactly who was calling.
There was a kinda stunned silence and a gasp on the other end then….
“Don’t you think you should put on some clothes before you answer a video call?”
Guess I’ll have to put a piece of tape over the camera until I get this thing figured out.


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