Terms of endearment

Squirrel Pie

Families, close friends, partners, sweethearts and children are all referred to by special terms of endearment. These terms of course are quite varied and impart special meaning onto both the sender and the recipient. There is however one phrase I often hear, and have used occasionally, delivered with heated fervor. That term is:

“I’m gonna kill him” (or her, them, that kid)

My late wife Norma, the Pearl of the Orient had a plaque on the wall stating, “I pray for wisdom to understand a man, love to give him, and patience for his moods. If I pray for strength, I’ll just beat him to death.”

In other words, “I’m gonna kill him!”

But what are the triggers that will elicit such a loving statement. Here are a few:

Tracking across a freshly washed floor. Grease on the good hand towels. Failing to clean out the tub. Forgetting the dinner invitation. Failing to pick up the specifically requested item from Wally World. Bringing home a new large screen TV, pontoon boat, 4-wheeler, or premium” fishing rod. Inviting the whole crew from the week long hunt camp home to eat and shower up before they head back home. Farting in the elevator, the bed or at the dinner table.

“I’m gonna kill him!”

Making a U-turn while backing out of the garage and taking said garage off its foundation. Putting gasoline in the diesel tractor. Putting diesel in the gasoline lawn more. Throwing out your most comfortable sweater or flashy trousers. Cleaning your desk. Inviting the undertaker over to pre-arrange you funeral. Hiding the TV remote or screwing up the settings/deleting specially selected settings on the PVR. Giving away your precious store of game. Dropping an SBD in the elevator and blaming it on you

“I’m gonna kill her!”

Dinging up the new car. Unpaid parking tickets you “forgot about”. Reefers left in the car that the cops wanted explained. The bottle of Vodka that mysteriously turned to water. The pay-per-vue movies charged to your cable TV. The data surcharge on your internet from online binging. The necessary upgrade to the new cool iPhone. Mysterious charges to the credit card and ‘necessary’Amazon purchases. Calls in the middle of the night for your car spotted while “egging” or “toilets papering” the local cop/principal/preachers house. Skipping classes. Missing report cards. College semesters blown finding oneself

“What’s the matter with that kid? I’m gonna kill him!”

All terms of endearment. Delivered fervently. Never acted upon.