New computer must have certain functions

? It’s no secret, I’m a geek. And with the new crop of tablet computers flooding onto the market, I’ve been lusting after one.
My wife, the Pearl of the Orient, has given up trying to suppress my urges to buy, but has taken to buying first before I have a chance to bust the bank.
I am way too cheap to take the leap on an iPad and too stubborn to do things Apple’s way. Besides, Junior already has an iPad and I feel compelled to outsmart him.
I did take the leap back in August. But buyer remorse set in and I decided the unit was too expensive and not functional enough to satisfy my whims. So I sent it back (I’m the kind of customer big box stores hate).
On Black Friday, I trolled the Internet for hours looking for the perfect unit. I found it. The right price, the right specs. I slept on my decision overnight. I pushed the “buy” button the next morning and was informed they were sold out.
Back to trolling. Success! I found another one and clicked the “buy” button.
Before it arrived, though, I had clicked the “buy” button several more times for “necessary accessories.” The total bill had now just about doubled.
On the appointed day the unit arrived, I rushed home from the post office, ripped it open, and plugged it in for its initial charge. Alas, my ecstasy was interrupted for a few hours to attend a social function in Fat Frantic. I could hardly wait to get home.
“You’re not going to fiddle with that thing now. We’ve got to get up to swim at 4:30,” snorted the Pearl with disgust.
I assured her I would only be a few minutes.
“Oh yeah!” snorted the Pearl again as she slammed the bedroom door.
Four hours later, I had concluded the unit was D.O.A.–that’s dead on arrival (which is a term you’d better learn because it will be commonplace in Rainy River if we let our medical services slip away).
I went to bed just in time to wake the Pearl up for swimming. I slept to sooth my disappointment before I got up to re-package by dream and send it back.
It’s just as well, though, because the unit I want has to be more compatible with my coffee shop lifestyle. I have compiled a list of the functions it must fulfill:
1. It will wake me (not too early) with soothing music, turn off the electric blanket, monitor the weather, and tell me which clothes to put on in what order
2. It will direct me to the door, and remind me of any tasks I must complete, including to take the mail and my keys. This all will be done via a “heads up display” to my glasses.
3. Next it will direct my steps to the Bakery (alternate program for Florida), checking for traffic before I cross the street.
4. It will provide me with a comprehensive current news summary at the debating table so I can edify, enlighten, and correct my peers.
It also will fabricate a few new lies to enliven the gossip, and record all important conversation so I can report back to the Pearl in detail.
5. It will keep track of the time and number of refills, alerting me to exit after one hour or the sixth refill, whichever comes first.
6. Directions home will include all the stops and errands the Pearl has programmed in to make my trip fulfilling for all.
That’s a pretty good start on my required parameters. Now before I leave for the Bakery, do I have everything?
Oh drat, I forgot to put on my underwear.