Travel hints for seniors

As this Covid 19 pandemic thing winds down I think many folks are anxious to hit the road again. Here are some travelling tips. Critical parts of your travel plan are where you will make pit stops, and where you will stay. Where and what you will eat is too important to cover in this limited space.

Pit stops should be calculated based on your coffee consumption, bladder capacity, and road conditions. When you have determined the optimum number, multiply by two. Why? Because strange things happen.

Upon passing a rest stop that states, it is at least 50 miles to the next, your bladder will immediately begin to spasm. For men no problem, there’s always the roadside bushes. For your sweetheart, higher standards are required.

Also remember never to combine a dining and refuelling stop, as you will definitely need both for pit stops. When you do reach a pit stop there are a number of protocols that should be followed.

First, when heading across the parking lot, concentrate on getting all your joints limbered up and resist all temptations to drop any ‘rolling thunder’. Remember your sphincters probably don’t have the resilience of youth. Also your hearing threshold will not match that of the six year-old kid following you who will bellow in full voice, “Mommy, that Grandma farted!”

Next plan your entry into the restroom. Gentlemen, secure your car keys and wallets in your pockets- preferably one with a zippered opening. Ladies remove all jewelry including magnetic clasp bracelets and loose rings. These precautions will prevent any impromptu fishing trips in the porcelain pool. Even greater reason is the advent of the automatic flush. If you think your senior reflexes can out grab this modern monster, you are dreaming.

Having successfully completed this pit stop and grabbing a coffee refill, you are almost ready to hit the road again. But first purchase a large package of roasted sunflower seeds. Choose the low salt, unflavoured sort. Let’s face it your digestive system is too delicate for the jalapeno variety and your blood pressure won’t tolerate the high sodium. Also necessary is a bottle of water to slake your thirst and wash the seed shell splinters out of your larynx. 

Why bother with the seeds? First it will keep you alert and second the mess of shells splattered around the car will discourage over-zealous border officials from rummaging too deeply in your vehicle. The sore throat and irritated tongue are a small price to pay.

Selecting a motel is very important. The tourist information centres will be full of magazines with cut rate coupons. Many will be expired so make sure you smear the expiration date to make it illegible and practice your best look of dignified insulted innocence when the clerk tries to not honour it. Also make sure you have your room confirmed at the desk before you spring the coupon upon the attendant. Nothing like a little rage at your surprise to rattle their calm and keep them from examining the coupon too closely.

If you’re travelling with your ankle-biter do not look for a ‘pet friendly’ motel. Let’s face it ‘previously soiled’ carpets are simply not good enough for your mutt. Besides they’ll probably want to charge you extra. Why bother with the added expense, when you can sneak your little darling in the back door. Adding a prescription sedative in the pooch’s drink might be a good idea as I will explain later.

Not a pet lover? Choose a ‘no-pets’ location. Then about 11:00 p.m., step into the hall and give a few blasts on your ‘silent’ dog whistle. The ensuing howling, barking, and general pandemonium should insure some excitement in an otherwise lackluster day of travelling. This is particularly satisfying if the guy next door is producing plaster-shattering snores or you have an uncomfortable room because some sneaky pet owner scarfed up the last good ‘no pets’ room. It also may entitle you to a ‘stay one night free’ coupon. But beware of video surveillance cameras.

Who said revenge isn’t sweet? And pet owners, aren’t you glad you forced that sleeping pill down Fifi’s throat?