Well, my physician old doc Rye Whiski decided it was time to update my diabetes medication. With all the new stuff on the market, maybe it was time I tried something that would make my corpse a little less sweet i.e. lower my blood sugar. So I went on one of those newer meds that did all kinds of wonderful things like lower my blood sugar, improve my looks, and intelligence.
“Of course, there may be a few side effects so you’ll have to go slow” cautioned Doc as he pulled out a ten page booklet of instructions and side effects in print so small it resembled the Highway Traffic Act.
I squinted twice and surrendered with a shrug as Doc cleared his throat and began to summarize.
“First, the stuff may make you feel a little queasy. You know uneasy in your stomach,” cautioned Doc.
I pointed out that I did most of my own cooking so feeling queasy about what was put in front of me was nothing new. Next point please.
Second, you may notice that you’re losing a bit of weight because this stuff is used for weight loss. Dulls your appetite. Why half the female population of the District is on it in an attempt to get into their prom dresses from 20 years ago he added.
I smile to myself. Me lose weight I wondered in amazement. That would be a surprise.
Third, there may be a bit of a bowel upset. In fact, it might be explosive diarrhea without warning. Again, I thought back to my own experience with my cooking and my overindulgence in fresh rhubarb. I had the first hand experience to deal with this condition.
And forth this medication tends to make one pass a copious abundance of gas…. So what’s so wrong with that, I wondered?
So Doc, how often do I have to take this pill?
You don’t. You give yourself an injection once a week.
Me! Give myself a needle! I just about went into shock.
Don’t be such a wimp lectured Old Doc, explaining it was just a little subcutaneous injection with a very fine needle.
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I picked up my prescription, tried to read the instructions, watched a couple of YouTube videos, and on Sunday morning prepared myself for failure. It went as expected. I bent the first needle over and squirted the magical elixir all over my stomach. Second shot was a success… then I waited for the side effects.
The first day I was a little queasy, but I think that was the shock of giving myself a needle.
By the third day, I had noticed another side effect. I couldn’t poop. Oh yeah, that little warning about constipation. So I cooked myself up a nice pot of rhubarb and had a bowl. It was so good. I had a second bowl. Then it was time for a ride up to the local hardware mall a.k.a. the municipal dump. I was busy scrounging through the selections of scrap lawnmowers and bicycles when suddenly I was caught short.
There was no time to go searching for an out house – it was simply drop my drawers and let her rip. The side effects warning about explosive diarrhea was not in jest.
The bear that had been rummaging through the dump rared up in alarm took one quick whiff and took off through the blue berry bushes and brambles on the dead run.
I don’t think Pickle will be bothering to salvage that stack of scrapped lawnmowers… Contamination levels too high.
But if nothing else as a good Boy Scout, I had come prepared with a large roll of paper towels, ever at the ready in the rack of my trike. I strained a little to make sure that. there were no more surprises on the way and left the municipal waste facility before the next contingent of shoppers arrived. Well used facilities.
Over the next few weeks, the side effects kind of evened themselves out and I could pretty well
anticipate any upsets to the routine. My blood sugars and weight started to decline as predicted.
Yes, the excess gas production did eventually slow up. But an unpleasant side effect? How could anything that felt so right be wrong?
So go ahead – pull my finger.
