ArriveCan’t: The saga continues

It finally happened. Nov 30. We can cross the border and come back to Canada without a test or quarantine.

Wanna bet? Seems there are a few, ifs ands, and buts.

First there is that wondrous ArriveCan’t app itself. Seems it doesn’t work exactly right on some phones. So you update it and it still doesn’t work right.

“See it doesn’t let me complete the application. It freezes right here and I can’t go any further,” says a bewildered Scrounger holding up an old Huawei with shattered glass screen wrapped in duct tape.

“Why don’t you get a decent phone? That’s one of those infected Chinese ones and as soon as it crosses the border, federal agents might grab you and hustle you off to Leavenworth…maybe even throw in a little waterboarding to encourage your memory,” cracked our leading conspiracy theorist at the Debating Table.

Two days later the problem was diagnosed as ‘screen-zoom’ blotting out the bottom of the page where a hot button could not be accessed.

Scrounger explained that returning to normal instead of zoom made the print so small only someone with the visual acuity of an eagle could possibly read it. But by looking at a properly working phone and guessing at the location of the hot button Scrounger finally managed to complete his app and received a proper receipt.

Personally, although my Winnipeg trip was cancelled, I redid my border plans and ventured across to complete some long awaited business at the U.S. Bank I used when the Pearl and I spent our winters in Florida.

“Due to staffing issues we are closed today maybe come back tomorrow,” said the sign, so reluctantly I turned around and trekked back to Canada whipping out my smart phone with all my completed info.

“Oh I don’t need that. Just give me your passport and it will bring up your receipt and everything else when I scan it,” breezed the Officer on duty as he handed me back my passport and a blue box.

“What’s this?” I asked puzzled as I turned the box around.

“Random test! Lucky you! Have a nice day,” he concluded politely sliding his window closed.

“Well up my nose with a rubber hose!” I thought as I pulled away.

At home I worked my way through the test through an online interview with a pleasant young person. It went pretty well until the end when shipping instructions were presented.

“Your snot… er sample will be picked up at your home by Pur-sooner-or-Lator,” I was instructed.

Not! You have to take it down to their drop box. I did Free at last!

I completed another “Return Appointment” for the next day and bright and early…after my three hour coffee session… I was back across at the Bank. After a substantial discussion about closing my accounts, I was informed no problem, but it would have to wait until the following day as some transactions needed to be posted.

With dread I headed back to Canada.

“Anything to declare?” a smiling Officer asked.

“Just as massive dose of frustration,” I explained and headed home and this time I did not ring the Random Bell.

Next day same routine. This time it worked. “Cash or Draft” was the final question.

“Cash” I took the money and ran.

At the border all went well. But again I rang the bell and was handed the dreaded blue box.

It took an hour and three tries with two different agents to make it though the test completion. Components like name labels were missing from the blue box, and the same wrong insistence my test kit would be picked up at my house completed the interview.

I took it down to the “non-existent” drop box and took a couple of selfies of me putting it in. So far I received two more emails asking me to complete my Day 8 Quarantine tests, but I noted a one sentence “Disregard this notice….etc, etc.” So I did. Can you say, “Old and crotchety”?

But I have learned a bit of valuable insight. If you want to make a fortune buy some “Test Kit” and “Pur-sooner-or-Lator” stock. You are bound to make a fortune on it! There’s gold in them thar noses!