It’s good for you

I just knew it had to be good for you! How could anything that feels so right be bad? I am of course talking about breaking wind or scientifically flatulence. That’s right, a fart.

Don’t believe me? Google it! Google wouldn’t lie to you, would they? The health benefits of farting are amazing.

Turns out most everyone has their own good share of blow-by. If you didn’t you’d simply blow up. Pop! From 14 to 23 times per day is the average. You may not even notice those sneakers. But a four-star flutterbuster will surely turn heads.

Apparently most farts don’t stink. They are just a result of air that you’ve swallowed working its way through your digestive tract. When you drink water or eat too fast you ingest a bit of air. Chewing gum is another way to pump things up.

Then there is diet. Eating food with a lot of fibre that ferments in your gut or has a bunch of sulphur bearing proteins can add a bit of the “je ne sais quoi” to the fart. So can certain meds combined with natural ability and age. That’s my excuse. Metformin will certainly aerate things a bit for me. Soda and sparkling water are also a little airy. Beer and pickled eggs- positively nuclear.

But there are societal mores one must observe. Never at the dinner table, unless the dog is under your chair. In church only if you can convincingly, with a look of scorn, shift the blame to the occupant in the next pew. Holding the pressure in might take a heroic effort and if it does slip, well…. Silence is golden takes on a whole new meaning.

Sneaking one out in a crowded space can be very risky, particularly if it’s a SBD-silent but deadly. My dear wife, the Pearl of the Orient once dropped an SBD in the elevator of a Hyatt Regency. We were about halfway down from the 70th floor when my eyes began to water.

“I didn’t think it would stink,” she explained unapologetically as we continued our descent. Fortunately we were the only occupants of the enclosed space.

And what of the possible legal ramifications. In Berlin in 2016 a man was fined over a $1000 for farting at two police officers when they asked for his I.D. It went to trial after he refused to pay. The judge dismissed the case in less than 10 minutes. It involved 18 months, 23 public officials, and 17 hours of official time. But justice was done… in the end.

But the world’s champion farters are supposedly cows. The billion or so on this planet put out enough methane, a greenhouse gas, to purportedly raise the temperature of the planet. That’s right blame in on the cows. Ruminants have been around in those large numbers for centuries upon centuries and suddenly they are the culprits… but delicious ones. Maybe the real culprit is the conspicuous consumption of the two-legged human variety.

My personal live and let live motto is, “Better to do it and bear the shame, than to hold it and bear the pain!”

So go ahead, pull my finger.